He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
