OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
