peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
