I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
