you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
