So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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