allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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