Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
