You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
