thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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