Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
