I just pynch a tree in the face
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
