we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
