Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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