phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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