what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I want a musical about memes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
