I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
