explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
