I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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