Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
