Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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