Taylor Swift is so right about you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
