She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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