quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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