They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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