Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Boobs speak an international language.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
