I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
