You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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