I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
