I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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