Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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