he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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