I want to walk on stilts...naked
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
