My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
