someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
