Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
