how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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