fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
