Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
