Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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