found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Houston, we have a squirter
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
