i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
