Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
