I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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