i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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