You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
