I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
