Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
