there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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