I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
